Someone calling himself Tyler Toby writes:

Hi – I would like to introduce you to Intuceo Predict – an automated machine learning prediction tool developed by iCube.
Who is iCube?
i. A predictive analytics start-up
ii. Inc.5000 fastest growing company
iii. Clients include Lockheed Martin, Chrysler, Pearson, Caesars, Nasdaq, GE, J&J
Intuceo Predict gives you -
• Higher prediction accuracy
• 10+ algorithms
• Both regression and classification
• More than 30% faster time to build models
Plus –
• No programming
• Designed for business analyst as well as data scientist
• Hosted on amazon cloud
• Hyper optimized models
• Cross validation
• 1 Model metrics for evaluation
For a free trial of Intuceo Predict, click here:
[website of spammer withheld]
Thanks
Tyler Toby
VP, Business Development
Cell: 904-495-4752
ttoby@icubecsi.com
-------------------------------------

Tyler,

Thank you for a most useless and irrelevant spam. I was beginning to think that there was beginning to be a shortage of idiots and scammers at the low end of the internet business model spectrum. You have restored my faith in the existence of trolls or gnomes or whatever the right analogy is.

I hope you paid a lot of money for the purloined e-mail list you used to send this request, since it's useless, and I don't have any problems with scammers getting scammed.

I also have to say I admire the way you mention that you're part of the "INC5000", but in your logo you "white out" the last zero so it looks like you're part of the INC500. As the English say, you're "too clever by half."

Also, I've noticed that when I bother to follow up on spammer statements like "Clients include Lockheed Martin, Chrysler, Pearson, Caesars, Nasdaq, GE, J&J, " I find that they are most often lists of other people you've spammed, not anyone who has actually done business with you. What am I supposed to do, call Nasdaq or GE on the phone and ask the operator to connect me with anyone who has ever heard of you? Right.

Of course, if I was actually replying to you instead of just publishing your e-mail online to make fun of you, you'd probably list MY company as a "client," so I'll definitely avoid replying.

I tell you who can really use your services - my friend the Exiled Nigerian Prince. He has been in the same sort of spamming/scamming business as you have for a long time, and he has been needing predictive analysis like nobody's business for as long as I've know him. He's even willing to pay you in advance for your services. How does $40,000 in advance sound? If you think you'd be interested in taking him on as a client, please go to his contact page [ http://www.exilednigerianprince.com ] and enter the requested bank account information for your business' primary checking account (or your personal banking account, if there's more money in that one). Once he's made the deposit, and is sure it has cleared, he'll contact you to clarify exactly what he needs help with.

Also, if I've made a mistake and you're not really an idiot spammer/scammer but just an idiot spammer, please forgive the misunderstanding.

Someone from GoDaddy sent this note after GoDaddy forced me to move about fifteen web sites to a new server, including six that had discussion forums like this one. Because moving the forums involved moving their databases, and I didn't have time to futz with it, I paid them to move those sites. $100 apiece, $600 total of fees because they were forcing me to migrate from servers that they were going to discontinue for their convenience. Oh well, I thought, if nothing else, this should hold them for a while.

Then the forums for the sites I paid them to migrate started disappearing one by one. Turns out that instead of migrating the whole site, they just migrated the flat files (something I did myself for about a dozen OTHER sites for free), and left the database on the old server, with the flat files pointing to it. How many ways can you say "DUH!"?

So when the first one went down, it took me two phone calls about three hours apart to convince them it was a problem and that it wasn't MY problem. The second help desk guy I talked to (after having to drop the first call) said that the FIRST guy I talked to had just started to fix the problem, apparently after seeing that I had called back.

When the second one went down a day later, I called GoDaddy's help desk again and had to convince yet a third help desk person that it was a problem and that it wasn't MY probem.

He figured that the best way to fix the problem was to resubmit the request for the $100 service and ask them to expedite it.

An hour or so later, the forum was restored (that is, moved to the new server).

So all was well until I got this note:

-------------------------------------

Dear Sir/Madam,
We have migrated the database [database name withheld] as requested and updated your forum software installation to use this migrated database.

Please note that this request was well outside of our 14-day migration review policy and was done as a one-time courtesy rather than a normal migration.
[My italics and bolding]

Please feel free to contact us at any time at 480-505-8877 if you have any other questions or concerns.
Regards,
[techie name withheld]
Expert Services

------------------------------------------------------------
I LOVED how he made it MY fault that they had to do the work I already paid for over again. I started to fire off a nastygram, but I knew it wouldn't do any good, because it wouldn't even get back to the managers who allowed this series of snafus to happen.

I'll probably add more to this note later, but it was too "good" (not in a good sense) to let pass.

By the way, the only reason it didn't cost MORE to move those sites was that they forced me to move another site a year or so ago (for about $300) and I was able to make the other sites "subdomains" of the new site.

So, within the last year or so, in addition to paying about $400 a year for domain name registration and site hosting for sites I had set up and was happy with, GoDaddy has managed to get another $900 out of me for forced migrations I didn't personally need.

I used to recommend them to EVERYBODY for just about everything. Now the only reason I'm not shopping around is because I'm more or less stuck with them until the next big shakeup.

I've actually responded to their "how'd we do" surveys with this information, and no one apparently ever batted an eyelash over it. I guess they're patting themselves on the back on finding ways of wringing more money out of hitherto loyal and lucrative customers.

If you happen to work for GoDaddy, I'm sorry to tell you that they've managed to turn a previously delighted customer into a grudging "captive audience" member. And that "20% off new orders" they offer every time they screw me over doesn't really mitigate the frustration.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled scams.

Paul

Paul,

Sorry to hear of your trouble with GoDaddy. Do you suppose Danica Patrick knows they pull this stuff? Maybe you should tell her.

In the meantime, I enjoyed Biloxi immensely. I've found out that a few hundred dollars in cash will easily buy me a fake certificate of citizenship and a Mississippi driver's license. My name now is John French and I'm from Liberia, not Nigeria. At least that's what it says on my papers.

Apparently with my forged papers I can register to vote now, which is something that is still hard for many of the black Americans I encounter. To vote or to register to vote they need photo IDs, and if they don't already have drivers' licenses or something like that, there are only a limited number of places where they can get them. In fact, most offices in and near predominantly black neighborhoods have closed, and the offices that remain (mostly in all-white suburbs) keep such short hours that it is virtually impossible for working people to get to them.

I've also learned that it's a bad idea to look white people in the eye when you pass them on the street. One of the native Black men told me that it's worse in the South than it is up North. Maybe I'll go north and see if he's right. Ironically, I finally met some of the "swamp rats" that the filling station attendant was talking about. They were some of the whitest, red-neckiest people I've ever seen in my life, and they accepted me as one of their own right away, especially when they learned that I knew my way around a boat. So you can never tell.

One of the "swamp rats" offered to take me on his next gator poaching expedition in the Louisiana bayou. I had some trouble with his accent at first. Someone told me that he was Cajun, whatever that means.

In the meantime, I bought an old station wagon with lots of room for the cash under the seats and in the doors. I've also replaced the old carpet bags with back packs. There are more of them this way, but they'll be smaller and easier to hide.

Once I had everything ship-shape, my Cajun friend Jean-Louis and I drove to his family home in New Orleans. I thought Havana was crazy. What a town.

Jean-Louis is staying with his sister while he prepares for his next expedition. I'm staying in something called a "flea bag" hotel where I can pay in cash and there's no register. I have definitely stayed in better places, but then again, I've stayed in worse places. That said, I have never seen cockroaches this big outside of Nigeria. I bought a can of Raid to spray them, but they just gave me a look that said, "Do you really want to start something you can't finish?" And I left them alone.

Outside on the street at night, you can hear a dozen different kinds of music coming from clubs and from several private homes where you can buy liquor illegally and listen to the band. I had no idea that Country music could be so infectious, or that so many black people were playing it. Jean-Louis has taken me to a speakeasy where they play Cajun music, which to me sounds a lot like Country music with accordions. There's also something they call "Tex Mex," at least two kinds of Rock and Roll, two kinds of Blues, and at least three different kinds of Jazz, including one that uses a lot of Latin percussion. Maybe I can get a djembe or something somewhere and sit in. I did learn a few tricks in Cuba that I'd like to try out here.

I'm writing this from an internet cafe - I still haven't picked up a new computer, and my hotel doesn't have wireless anyway. I have been able to pick upon some of the contacts you sent me, so the business is still moving forward.

I guess the big question is "where do I go from here?" I spent so many months trying to work my way to America, but now that I'm here, I'm not entirely sure what to do next. Maybe join Jean-Louis on one of his expeditions? Get a legitimate job so I can start funneling my cash a little bit at a time into an American bank? Find a nice girl and settle down? I wonder how my Guatemalan friends are doing. Especially a certain young lady.

I'll write you when something important happens. I saw a music store a few blocks away I may visit to see what kind of percussion they have.

Yours truly, John (Mutabe) French, the Exiled Nigerian Prince.

Hey, Mutabe! Glad to see you made it safely to the United States, or at least to Louisiana. If you're wondering what to do now, I have an idea. El Guapo's Lizard Poop Coffee is making a big dent in Latin America, and I'm sure it would be even more popular in the US if we had a distributor. Hint, hint.

Also, our Russian friends saw that you skipped the dinosaur island the last time you came through. They told me that they were very disappointed not to see you again. Something about old business. I don't know. I don't go on the island myself - there's a rumor that Latinos attract dinosaurs. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm not taking any chances.

Please be careful. And let me know if you'd like to get into the Lizard Poop Coffee business.

Your Friend Raul

Someone calling himself Harry Zhu writes:

CZ(China Southern Airlines) ,SZX/GAN to ORD, 100KG Above, Price is only 2.5USD/KG, SZX-PVG-ORD, about 3-5 days,Time assuringly .——HarryZhu +08613510871340,Skype:Hourong.zhu1,WeChat:13510871340

Harry <Harry_etrans@126.com>

----------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Zhu,

What the?????

I'm going to guess that you have mistaken me for a day trader or some such, and that you're hoping that I skype you and give you enough information for you to place an order for CZ stock or else to steal my identity. Sorry, but I'm not interested in either one.

If you'd like to do some serious trading, though, and not the nickel and dime stuff I'm capable of, you should probably get in touch with my acquaintance the Exiled Nigerian Prince. He doesn't deal in small amounts though. Do you think you could pick up about 100,000 shares of CZ stock for him? If so, please go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page [ http://www.exilednigerianprince.com ] and enter the routing code and the account number of the bank account where you would like him to deposit the $250,000, plus another $2500 in case the stock value has gone up by the time you see this.

Once the money has been deposited, he will get in touch with you to tell you where to send the stock certificates. I'd tell you in advance, but he's on an extended tour of the American Gulf States right now, and I'm not sure what address would be best for him to use.

Hope this business relationship brings you exactly the reward you deserive!

Someone sent me the following mail (I guess spamming me by e-mail wasn't effective enough).

Reminder: Your Account Status is Pending
Attention [the name of one of my cottage industries withheld]

Paul:
Within the last 15 business days, a prequalified Reliant Business Cash Card and activation request were issued for the company named herein. According to our records at the time of this printing, the account has not yet been activated. Once your account has been activated you are eligible to receive Cash today. You can take advantage of this service if you:

- Respond no later than 7/16/2016

This program is not limited by the same restrictions as small business loans from banks. No collateral, equity, up front fees or out of pocket [sic] expenses will occur.

Please have your account number available and
CALL TODAY: [toll-free phone # withheld]

Reliant
9450 Towne Centre Dr. Suite 200
San Diego CA 92121

-------------------------------------
Dear anonymous scammer,

Thank you for contacting me by snail-mail with the same exact scam I get every week or so by e-mail. The BIG giveaway is the fact that I never contacted you in the first place. So starting our relationship with a lie is probably a sign of how our dealings would be if I was actually foolish enough to contact you. A quick Internet search gave me a long list of complaints folks have had with you in the past, and let me know that you are definitely NOT on the Better Business Bureau's list of good citizens. Not to mention that the stretch of Towne Center Dr. you quote as your address is home to dozens of other scammers.

Apparently you have SOME sort of business, and you've apparently managed to stay out of jail so far, but that is hardly a recommendation.

That said, I know a fellow who could use your help. The Exiled Nigerian Prince, now living in a fleabag hotel in New Orleans and playing djembe for a folk/reggae band at night has had a little trouble getting some of the money he took when he fled his country into a legitimate American bank. If you'd be interested in helping him, I'm sure you would be rewarded well and quickly. All you have to do is let him deposit $1.7 million into one of your bank accounts, leave it there for a day, then transfer $1.4 million into another account the next day. That would leave you with $300,000 for 24 hours of engagement, the best ROI you'll ever see.

If you're interested in working with the Prince on this project, please go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page [ http://www.ExiledNigerianPrince.com ] and enter the requested information, including the bank routing code and account number of the account you would like the money deposited into.

Oh, and by the way, the company you promised to loan up to $100,000 with no collateral or credit check has averaged $248 a year in net income over the last five years. Yet ANOTHER sign that you are serious about doing real business.

I sincerely hope that you get the reward you deserve for your efforts!

Someone calling himself Jeff Roa writes:

Hi Paul,

I’m following up on the emails that I’ve sent last week. Are you the right person I should speak with regarding Piwik PRO?
If not, I would appreciate it if you could please direct me to the person I should get in touch with.

Best,
Jeff

Jeff Roa
jeff@piwik.pro
Enterprise Account Development
Direct: 646.583.1336
Piwik.pro

---------------------------

Dear Mr. Roa,

Thank you for your attempt to scam me into thinking we've already been in touch. It tells me EVERYTHING I need to know about your company and the products and or services you claim to offer.

I was also pleased to note that your company gets five-star reviews from several of the most prominent fake review web pages - you know, the kind you pay to give you 5 star "unbiased" reviews.

If I really wanted to be scammed, I know people who do it better. If you really want to scam somebody, please consider scamming someone who deserves it. Please go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page [ http://www.exilednigerianprince.com ] and enter the requested information, including your bank account number, routing code, and the amount you are offering to launder for him. He will put that amount into your bank account and a day later, pull it out again, minus a 20% transaction fee. Of course, nobody says you can't transfer the money out first and close the account.

You probably question my motives in presenting you with this opportunity. I promise you they are at least as pure as your motives in spamming me with a claim that we have already been in touch.

Here's hoping things work out exactly as you deserve!

Someone calling himself Sara Bonner ( sabonner@kcpublicschools.org ):writes:

Subject: Chris & Colin Weir‏‎'

My Wife And I Are Donating 850,000,00 To You, Reply . NAME*.........ADDRESS*.........MOBILE*.........OCCUPATION*........AGE*

chriscolinweir512@126.com

------------------------------------------------------

Name: Mutabe Usman Sanusi, formerly known as Prince
Address: Room 413, Drydock Hotel, 111 S. Rum Deal Street, New Orleans, Lousiana, 70130
Mobile: None at Present
Occupation: International Fugitive/Deposed Former Prince
Age: 43

Someone calling himself Waclaw Mach writes:

[WOOJUNG BSC] Sales Invoice (19 June,2016)

Poniższa część wiadomości zawierała wirusa:

Typ MIME: application/zip
Nazwa pliku: Revised Invoice.zip
Rozmiar pliku: 187.20 kB
Nazwa wirusa: Mal/DrodZp-A
Skaner antywirusowy: Sophos Scanning Engine (5.28.11457702/3.65.2.0)

Załącznik został usunięty przez Kerio Connect 9.0.2
na serwerze kerio1.infopower.pl.
Waclaw Mach <waclaw.mach@zamech.elblag.pl>

-------------------------------------------

Dear Wacklaw,

Thank you for getting in touch. Unfortunately you have contacted the wrong person about this invoice. All billing should go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince, who will pay you by direct deposit into the bank account of your choice. Please go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page [ http://www.exilednigerianprince.com ] and enter the amount and reason for the invoice, as well as the back account and routing number of the account which you would like to receive the deposit.

Looking forward to a quick resolution of this financial issue.

Someone calling himself 启亚集团-肖小姐 writes:

Cayman Company Registration Fees 2016-06-21 22:26:01

启亚集团有限公司
英国公司注册3800全包; 香港做帐审计低至2800元
英国公司年审1980全包,只需提供公司名即可; 商标注册1600起.
启亚特价服务 英国公司注册 3800（注册全套、会计核证、开户协助）
英国公司年审 1980
可选用支付宝货到付款交易方式；
离岸公司好处 1、可办理香港汇丰、恒生、深发展、交行等银行外汇账户；进出外汇高度自由
2、免税、避税，无外汇管制、无经营范围限制
3、无需做账审计，可节省财务做账费用支出
4、每年维护成本较低、税务安排便利，可信性高
5、无需亲临，提供公司名、身份证复印件即可注册
联系人：肖小姐 QQ : 410274770 手机：13651464499 Email:admin@kiyagroup.com
服务内容 促销价 工作日 资料
英国公司注册 3800 7 全套政府文件+国际域名+企业邮局+会计师核证本一套
英国公司年审 1980 1 注册地址+秘书服务
香港公司注册 4880 7 全套政府文件+国际域名+企业邮局+会计师核证本一套
香港公司年审 2680 1 注册地址+秘书服务+0报税（利得税、物业税、薪俸税）
BVI公司注册 5980 15 全套政府文件+一级代理证明+国际域名+企业邮局
塞舌尔公司注册 3980 15 全套政府文件+一级代理证明+国际域名+企业邮局
现成公司买卖 带汇丰帐户公司买卖 数量有限 网址 : http://www.kiyagroup.com
服务优势 全程不经代理亲手递交、注册、年审、报税一条龙服务
支付宝担保交易货到付款，100%开户承诺无效退款
顺丰快递护送资料安全有保障
所有资料皆由国际权威会计师核证

admin@kiyagroup.com
linsawo@giftgroup.win

------------------------------------

Dear linsawo,

Thank you for getting in touch. Unfortunately you have contacted the wrong person to request payment for this fee. All billing should go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince, who will pay you by direct deposit into the bank account of your choice. Please go to the Exiled Nigerian Prince's contact page [ http://www.exilednigerianprince.com ] and enter the amount and reason for the invoice, as well as the back account and routing number of the account which you would like to receive the deposit.

Looking forward to a quick resolution of this financial issue.