Someone calling himself Mark Williams, at the very unlikely e-mail address of reply-8a051fd2f5-51089dd4df-7d8f@u.cts.vresp.com
Writes:

You're Going to Need a Logo!
Activate Your Coupon Now to Get Your Logo for Only $29.96
No matter what type of business or organization you're starting, you're going to need a logo. Have you thought about all the opportunities you have to establish your brand?
Your website and email signature, business cards you hand out daily, and customer invoices and bills, are all ways to establish your brand. Save 25% Now
Regards,
Mark Williams
reply-8a051fd2f5-51089dd4df-7d8f@u.cts.vresp.com
Brand Ambassador
Logo Jeeves - USA
877-326-0220

--------------Our Response----------------



Mark,
Thank you for your kind offer. As you may know, the Exiled Nigerian Prince is hoping that he can use the web page ExiledNigerianPrince.com to improve his public image. Currently, many people seem to perceive him as an international criminal fugitive. And he perceives himself as a benefactor, since he has offered to give so many people financial help over the years.

If you can help him with this effort, your work will be worth far more than the $25 you are offering. Unfortunately he can't pay you by credit card at the moment, as he is locked in a Guatemalan jail waiting to be transferred to the regional capital on charges of spearheading an invasion. But if you would use his contact page to send your bank account number and routing code, he will deposit $100,000 into your account as a down payment. When he is released, as he inevitably will be, you can just calculate how much you need to keep for your fees, and remit him the rest.

Just go to http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm and follow the instructions there.

Looking forward to a profitable relationship.

A person calling himself both Xao Chang and Saleh Almohammed writes:

We are interested in your service as our company representative agent in USA, Canada, Japan, & Pakistan and European region, kindly get back if you are interested.

Regards,
Xao Chang
snalmohammed@just.edu.jo
sunkaihunggroupofcompany@gmail.com
Vice President
Sun Kai Hung Group of Company

Jordan University of Science and Technology accepts no liability for any damage caused by any virus transmitted by this email.

---------------------------Our response---------------
Mr. Xao Chang/Saleh Almohammed,

Thank you for getting in touch. I am gainfully employed at present, but would be glad to introduce you to a friend with many international contacts who might serve your needs very well. He is the Exiled Nigerian Prince, especially well known in international finance circles. The ENP would be glad to interview for a position with your company. In fact, he is so excited about the opportunity that he is willing to ask you if you could consider holding the position for him until you can meet. To that end, he would gladly pay $50,000 as an advance against future earnings.

Unfortunately, because of certain unfortunate legal issues, he can not meet with you immediately or send you a check. However, he does have intermittent Internet access and could have the money deposited directly into your bank account. So if you go to http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm and follow the instructions there you should find the money deposited into your account within a few days.

Here's hoping this is the beginning of a great partnership.

Someone calling himself David Ellis, in charge of a totally fictitious government agency writes:

Dear owner,
I am Mr. David Ellis, Head Officer-in-Charge, Administrative Service Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency in Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia. During our investigation, I discovered an abandoned shipment through a Diplomat from United Kingdom which was transferred from JF Kennedy Airport to our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes weighing approximately 110kg each.

The consignment was abandoned because the Content was not properly declared by the consignee as money rather it was declared as personal effect/classified document to either avoid diversion by the Shipping Agent or confiscation by the relevant authorities. The diplomat's inability to pay for Non Inspection fees among other things are the reason why the consignment is delayed and abandoned.

By my assessment, each of the boxes contains about $4M or more.They are still left in the airport storage facility till today. The Consignments like I said are two metal trunk boxes weighing about 110kg each (Internal dimension: W61 x H156 x D73 (cm) effective capacity: 680 L) Approximately. The details of the consignment including your name and email on the official document from United Nations' office in London where the shipment was tagged as personal effects/classified document is still available with us. As it stands now, you have to reconfirm your full name, Phone Number, full address so I can cross-check and see if it corresponds with the one on the official documents. It is now left to you to decide if you still need the consignment or allow us repatriate it back to UK
(place of origin) as we were instructed.

As I did say again, the shipper abandoned it and ran away most importantly because he gave a false declaration, he could not pay for the yellow tag, he could not secure a valid non inspection document(s), etc. I am ready to assist you in any way I can for you to get back this packages provided you will also give me something out of it (financial gratification). You can either come in person, or you engage the services of a secure shipping/delivery Company/agent that will provide the necessary security that is required to deliver the package to your doorstep or the destination of your choice. I need all the guarantee that I can get from you before I can get involved in this project.

Best Regards,
Mr. David Ellis
Head Officer-in-Charge
consignment345@gmail.com
office.ppcr1@gmail.com

----------------------------------

Dear Mr. Ellis. First of all I congratulate you on the ability to scan the contents of these heavy-duty metal boxes without opening them. I assume you are using some new technology that I'm not supposed to know anything about.

I also have to congratulate you on being appointed as the first Head Officer-in-Charge of the Administrative Service Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency. That is, I'm assuming you're the first since I've never heard of the Administrative Service Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency, so it must be a new agency.

And your brazen request for a bribe if you send the boxes to me ("provided you will also give me something out of it (financial gratification)") is quite artful, it its way.

I also have to comment on how careless the original sender of these packages must be, since several of my acquaintances have received almost exactly the same letter claiming that the packages were addressed to them. How many of these containers full of cash must be sitting in storage at the airport as we speaK!

With all that said, however, I am afraid you are contacting the wrong person. While I was supposed to be the caretaker of that cash in question, and will make a point of holding the person operating the computer at the IP address that sent your e-mail responsible for its safekeeping, I am not the intended final recipient. That is the Exiled Nigerian Prince, who can currently be reached in a Guatemalan jail where he is being held on suspicion of spearheading an invasion. He would be most grateful if the majority of this cash could find its way to him to help him bribe the guards for his release. While it would be impossible for you to get him the physical cash, you could, theoretically, deposit the money into a bank, and wire it to him. Also, since you made the request to get "something out of it," I think it's only fair that you receive a 1 million dollar handling fee.

To get things started, please go to http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm and follow the instructions.

Thanks again for your kindness and honesty in bringing this to our attention. I'm sure they will not go unrewarded.

Someone calling himself Raul the Reckoner writes:

Dear Paul,

You do not know me, but I think you will want to hear what I have to say. A friend of yours seems to be in a bad spot.
I am one of several bounty hunters who has been searching for the Exiled Nigerian Prince since a wanted poster appeared. After a long chase, we finally caught up with him in a Guatemalan jail waiting to be transfered to the regional judiciary on some silly charges about invading their country.
When we realized he was under guard, we arranged for a truce with everyone else looking for him. This was no easy feat, as it included his own former secret service agents and a drug kingpin who just wants the fellow dead. In fact, when the bounty hunters found out that the drug kingpin had created the wanted poster as a hoax, we almost "had words" with him. But we came to an understanding.
It was not hard for thirty men armed with everything from AK-47s to machetes to extract your friend from his jail cell. We took him to an abandoned paint factory, where the rest of the group is holding him under guard while I am at an internet cafe, drinking latte's and typing this note. It's quite relaxing in its way. You would not believe how few moments of real peace and quiet men in my career typically encounter.
At any rate, we wish to propose a compromise that might allow your friend to live. We understand that he has deposited several million dollars in banks that allow electronic transfer of funds. We have the drug dealer's word that if he gets another five million dollars, we will convince him not to behead your friend.
For myself, I am not that concerned either way. You may pay your friend's ransom or not, since the money would not be coming to me anyway. In fact, if you have access to your friend's bank accounts, as I think you must, I wouldn't blame you if you left him to his punishment and kept the money for yourself.
But for yourself, you may have strong feelings that compel you to rescue your friend. If that's the case, please let us know how soon you can raise the money. Also, even if your friend was not in imminent physical danger, I think he needs help. I think he has delusions of grandeur or something. He sees himself as a sort of modern day Robin Hood whose only mission in life is to help people. And he thinks he has fans and friends all over the world who will protect him. He swears that he is becoming an internet phenomenon. But let me tell you, he is no "Justin Beiber" or "Grumpy Cat."
Please let me know soon how you would like us to proceed.

Just call me,
Raul the Reckoner

---------------------------------------

Dear Raul,

Thank you for letting me know what is happening. When I heard about the raid on the Guatemalan jail, I feared the worst.

I do not have the information about the Exiled Nigerian Prince's bank accounts myself, but his sister, who is living under a false identity in Hattiesburg, Mississippi does. I'm sure that she will have no trouble tracking down the the Exiled Nigerian Prince's bank information and transferring the requested money into your account. That is if she's as concerned about her brother's welfare as I am.

Please use our contact page to enter the account number and bank routing code where you would like the money to go and I'll see to that it is transferred immediately.

Our contact page is: http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

In the meantime, I have to say that I seriously enjoy Guatemalan coffee. If you could pick up a few pounds while you're in the cafe and send it to me, let me know how much it costs, and I'll see that you're personally reimbursed, whether my friend is beheaded or not.

Raul the Reckoner writes back:

Paul,

I don't think you understand the urgency of this situation. Your friend, the Exiled Nigerian Prince has gone completely mad. While I got back from the internet cafe e-mailing you, balancing a "to go" tray with latte's for all of my friends, I saw the most amazing sight.

Apparently the Prince had talked one of the group into untying him to use the restroom. When he came back, he gave a little speech about how the Guatemalan army was against us all and the only way any of us would survive would be if we would unite against them.

Then he poured a can of blue paint over his head and ran up and down the room shouting:

"Fight and you may die. Run and you will live, at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that, for one chance to come back here as young men, and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom?"

One of the drug kingpin's goons knocked him to the ground. The drug kingpin stood over over him and said, "Do you remember how William Wallace died? First he was hanged. Then he was disemboweled. Then he was beheaded. Then he was drawn and quartered."

Suddenly the Prince seemed strangely subdued. He said, "Oh, my mother always turned it off before we got to that part."

Then we turned the hose on him to get the blue paint off. Apparently it was oil-based paint. So it won't come off. Now we're holding a six-foot tall Smurf for ransom. If he gets any crazier, I may blow off the ransom and the reward and kill him myself.

--------My Reply--------------

My apologies for the erratic behavior of my friend. Apparently the months of hiding have taken a toll on the fellow. Please do not kill him yet; I am still trying to convince his sister to access his bank accounts and send you the money. Apparently she believes that suddenly having exclusive control over the millions of dollars that he pilfered from the Nigerian treasure would at least somewhat mitigate her grief at his potential death.

In the meantime, we still have two orders of business. You have yet to go to our contact page and enter the number of the bank account you wish to receive the ransom.

In addition, you need to let me know how much Guatemalan coffee you have sent me and the total cost, including tax and shipping. Also do you have a PayPal account? I could send you the money that way. A tracking code would be nice, too. I'd hate to come home from work and discover it sitting in the rain.

Someone calling himself Seo Plugin says:

Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. [link removed]

---------------------

Dear Seo,

First of all, I would like to express my sympathy for having one of the worst names I have ever heard. But you bear it proudly as you probably should.

Secondly, I appreciate your heartfelt concern for the wellbeing of my web page. That said, ALL BUT ONE of the things you have suggested are already implemented on the page in question (and on almost every one of the thousand or so OTHER web pages I manage), just because I prefer good organization and effective crosslinking within my (very complex) sites.

Also, I am put off by the plethora of capitalization and punctuation errors in your note. I can't help thinking that using your template would save me five minutes of SEO work per page, while causing errors that take me forty minutes per page to fix? So I am afraid I don't really have any work for you personally.

However my friend the Exiled Nigerian Prince has been looking for someone to help him with his web site. Right now when you enter ExiledNigerianPrince.com, you just go to his contact page, because all of the people he has paid to help him set up his own site have simply taken the money and run. At the moment he is on a sort of road trip through Central America, and he can only get in touch every few days. But if you are interested in taking this project on, please let us know.

The ENP contact page has more information. http://creekdontrise.com/enp.htm

If you think you would be interested in working with the ENP, simply follow the instructions on that page, including entering your bank account number, routing code, social security number, real name, zip code, and the name of your firstborn child. When he gets in touch, I will have him deposit a down payment of $375,000 for your services.

By the way, another person calling himself Seo Plugin, but with a different e-mail address just sent me an email with EXACTLY the same content, supposedly addressing another page. Under a separate message, I will send you his e-mail address so you can take any legal action necessary against this obvious fraud.

Raul the Reckoner writes:

Dear Paul,
Let me apologize for forgetting to order your coffee for you. The events of yesterday put it completely out of my mind. I am back at the Internet cafe now and have just discussed having the proprietor send you some. His house brand is from regionally grown sources. Its taste is strong, without being bitter. I think you will like it. I have to tell you, though, that it will cost more to send you the coffee from San Rupert than the coffee itself will cost. Five pounds of beans will cost you $14 US, but it will cost $37 to ship them to you. If that meets your approval, you can send me payment through Paypal, and I will have them sent. My Paypal ID is raulthereckoner@gmail.com

Oh, and on that other topic, have you talked the Exiled Nigerian Prince's sister into paying his ransom yet?

Yours truly,
Raul

---------------------------------

Dear Raul,

Thank you very much for arranging the coffee shipment for me. When I send you the Paypal amount, I will add an extra $15 just to show my appreciation for your thoughtfulness.

As for the other issue, I am several hundred miles away from the ENP's sister, so I am having to do everything by phone and e-mail. And her time is almost completely taken up with golf, scuba diving, and belly dancing lessons, so it's hard to get ahold of her. Can you give me at least until the end of the week to wear her down?

Thank you,

Paul

Raul the Reckoner writes:

The good news first. The barista at the coffeehouse in San Rupert tells me that your coffee should arrive a week from Saturday, so you shouldn't have to worry about it sitting in the rain if it comes when you're away. He says that there is no way to get a tracking number, though. I thought, "In this country they can't even track fugitives; why should I think they could track coffee?" Ha Ha. That is a joke.

Now the bad news. Somehow the Guatemalan Federales learned that we were hiding out in San Rupert. I think we must have a leak, though I can't imagine who it is. One of our lookouts saw them coming from a distance and we were able to slip out of town. However, we were driving too fast over winding mountain roads. The Humvee that the Prince was riding in went off the road and rolled into a deep blue lake. None of our men were injured badly, but the Prince never surfaced. We dove to look for him, but he is the same color as the lake, so we never found him. With the Federales approaching, we had to abandon our search and flee.

My first tendency was to assume the worst, but then I reread your previous postings and realized that he has been in worse situations than this and come out fine.

All of this has made me rethink my life choices, though. I enjoyed my moments in the San Rupert coffee shop. And shopping for coffee beans to send you was also fun. I am considering a career change. What would it take, do you suppose, to start a boutique coffee export business?

Yours truly,
Raul the Reckoner

--------------------------------------------

Dear Raul,

Thank you for your report. I immediately called the ENP's sister to tell her what you have told me, and told her to prepare for the worst. She made a sort of choking sound that could have been taken as brief, but gleeful laughter, but I chose to interpret as the onset of debilitating grief.

You are right, though; he has been in worse spots than this. So far, whenever he's fallen out of touch, he has always surfaced a few days later, none the worse for wear.

On second thought, using the word "surfaced" in that sentence wasn't the best choice under the circumstances.

Regarding the boutique coffee export business, I can't tell you what to do. It sounds like a safer career path than the one you're on, but it might get a little boring for you eventually. That said, if you do decide to start a business, I have access to a long list of self-proclaimed web developers, SEOs, and logo designers who may be able to help you get started.

Best of luck,
Paul

Paul,
This is Raul. I want to than you again for being so encouraging about the coffee business. In fact, I have gone back through the contacts on this thread and found some web developers and graphic artists I think I can work with to get things started. As an example, here's the logo that one fellow did for $25, just as he offered you.

It's not as nice as your graphics, of course, but it should get me started.

Thank you again, and please let me know when you get your coffee. I can use some great reviews to help me build "cred" in this trade.

By the way, have you heard anything about your friend yet?

Raul


-------------------

Raul,

Congratulations on your new business venture. Please let me know when you get your web page up and running, and I'll be sure to recommend it to my friends.

Unfortunately, we still have not heard from the ENP. For all we know, he may have drowned in the lake. But I've learned not to write him off too quickly.

Best of luck,

Paul

Exiled Nigerian Prince here.

Yes, I am alive. I am also outraged at that bounty hunter Raul's description of me as a raving lunatic. Nothing, I mean absolutely NOTHING he said is true. And when I recover my fortunes, I will make it a point NEVER to buy his coffee.

In the meantime, I have sneaked into an internet cafe after they closed to send this message. I will cut this message short, because I do not dare to get caught here. For one thing, I am still mostly blue. Okay, Raul was telling the truth about that part. My next stop will be to see if the abandoned paint factory where I was being held is empty, and try to find some paint thinner. A lot of paint thinner.

Tell my sister not to spend all of my money yet.

Sincerely,

Exiled Nigerian Prince